"The potato-peeling. The same conversation, every year: “I prefer them with the skins on. More fibre.” Nine other people shouting, “MASH MUST NOT HAVE SKINS IN!”

The bins already full, those without mortgages, or children, crushing more bottles and cans down into it, like gonzo gunslingers; those with greater domestic awareness tutting and pointedly taking the bags out to the kerb.

The fight over the stereo — Hark! The Herald Angels Sing replaced by Kanye West; Kanye replaced by Slade. The breakaway group in the toilet upstairs, wrapping presents at the last minute while crouched by the toilet, while someone else sits in the bath going, “Could you wrap mine, too? I just don’t have the knack.”